O-Week 2016 – Dive In

O-Week 2016 was a busy week – First Year Camp spots SOLD OUT by Thursday, we almost sold all of our BBQ t-shirts (the remaining ones will be available at our BBQ next week) and most importantly we had about 600 people sign up for 2016 membership! A big thanks to everyone who came by our stall and congratulations to all the new members who are now part of one of THE greatest societies on campus. Keep an eye out for Aqua Regia, our newsletter, which will update you all on our upcoming events!

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Too many bees? Or not enough bees?

Too many bees? Or not enough bees?
Sam Jenkins investigates.

Can you have too many bees? Some say yes. Some are wrong! They’re simply not covered in enough bees yet. As a man who’s been covered in bees for nearly several minutes, I can quite easily say that no man, woman, or bee has, or is enough bees. But can it be? Or how could it be if it can be? If ‘you’ and ‘I’ are ‘we’, then surely a ‘bee’ is ‘bee’, but could ‘we’ be ‘bee’? This investigative reporter looked no further than his own memory to answer these very questions (bees).

The great Shakespeare himself wrote “two bee, or not two bee?” And we all remember the answer was two bees, if not more than two bees, and quite possibly a murder. But not every acquisition of bees needs to involve regicide. I myself killed only two dukes and a bee farmer to procure my luscious beard of bees, in addition to my jacket of bees, my pair of glasses of bees, my deck of bees, my car of bees and my pool, made of, and filled with bees. Some might point out that I’m simply trying to swim in a swarm of bees. They are right. But are they covered in harmful stings? No. And that is the difference between us. Those who oppose the idea of having more than zero bees in an area, that is more that not far away from them, simply don’t want to be painfully stung. And in a day and age where we have televisions, the printing press and the future, it is difficult to understand how they don’t see the great amount of innovations that bees have brought us.

Could it be, indubitably, that we see on key, a fallacy, o’ whe’er bees should be, visa-bee, belessed please, be the nee-ds of our minstrbees? Because overbeering beelations beautifully beeseige bee beasting? Beelief bee, it’s true. Beethoven.

In closing, be safe, be sharp, be sharps, sharp bees, harp bees, harpies, bees please, on your bees, the bees are collapsing, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

<Inception Sound>

Time Travel for Dummies

TIME TRAVEL for Dummies

Particle physicists at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN have found subatomic neutrino particles to travel faster than the speed of light, disproving over a hundred years of modern physics.

So now that time travel has practically been invented you need to start building your own vehicle of choice to cruise through time and space. Here are some popular examples:

Now that you’re ready for your first trip, here are some of the dangers of which you need to be careful.

Paradoxes:

“If you go back in time,” stated Dr. Steven Hawkins at a press conference held in the Luau Room of the Particle Physics Research Institute and Brothel “you may affect causality in numerous ways; say by killing your parents before they screw you into existence, or rolling your ATV over the sherwlike creatures which gave rise to all modern-day mammals.”

You get the idea. Don’t step on any bugs, don’t stop your parents getting together and don’t try to rectify the reason for building your time machine.

Diseases:

The past is full of pestilence, disease and infections which will probably kill you unless you are a timelord (who is apparently immune to everything).  “It wouldn’t be a pretty death either,” stated Hawkins. “Even the 19th and early 20th Centuries aren’t safe. We advise not venturing back more than a couple of decades if time travel is ever invented. Which it won’t be, because it’s not possible.”

Say you wanted to go back in time to 25 AD and stop the Crucifixion (as you do…).  You would probably die of amoebic dysentery within two days, and be incapacitated before you could prevent the salvation of mankind. Bummer.

“If you have to go back, say to prevent Buddhism or something,” Hawkins said, “it would be best to wear a containment suit that you burn as soon as you return to the present. Of course, you won’t ever do that, because time travel isn’t possible.” The future will probably be safer but unproductive since you will likely be imprisoned and quarantined before you cause a pandemic among the human-sheep hybrids.

Hear that guys? You can safely play around with about 40 years of time. Steven Hawkins approved. But if you do have to go back further, say to stop something as dangerous as Buddhism, all you need is a fully enclosed timesuit. I recommend one that looks like Matt Smith.

Aqua Regia Issue 1

Well, the time of year has come and gone for the old regime of Scisoc to be hewn down to make room for the newest one. And guess what readers, the changeover has taken place. We’re very grateful not many people were there to see the horrid, gory scene as last year’s executive was murdered in their prime to make way for others. Because really last year’s top minds were taking far too long to take over the world.

Yes that’s right. The head honchos are being bold as brass about their future plans this time round. Not only do they intend to run the society well, they have an honesty policy so crystal clear you can even admire the depths of the cellars, perusing their magic scrolls of doom-inspiring spells, ancient tomes of devious war machines, and their Hello Kitty memorabilia. Of course, that doesn’t mean they won’t tear you limb from limb once the perusing is over.

So let’s go ahead and meet the team. This year’s President of the Science Society is Hari Bhrugubanda, a short fellow willing to cut people off at the knees if they turn out to be bigger than he is. He’s got a good forehand too, so don’t doubt he can do it. His right hand man is James Colley, the new VP, whose razor sharp beard can’t be shaved by any regular means. Only lasers. Ironically, those feature heavily in his plans. Shhhh, don’t tell him I know that.

Your Secretary for this year will be one Isaac Carney. He’s the stealth expert, so much so I haven’t seen him around yet, which isn’t exactly the best thing for a secretary who has to answer phones all day. What? Ninjas have jobs too you know. To temper the balance within the organisation they’ve positioned Tony Cai as this year’s Treasurer. For those of you who don’t know, Tony’s peg leg and parrot make him the perfect man to guard the wooden chests in HQ’s basement. Yep, the one full of Hello Kitty stuff. Don’t stray in the wrong direction when browsing or you’ll get a bellyful of blade.

The dynamic duo has also decided to step up and profess their evil plans this year. Samuel Jenkins and Adam Chalmers are our new Publicity Officers and their PDA (that’s Public Displays of Anarchy, BTW) will take this team to a whole new level of mischief making. Don’t ask me which of them is Batman and which is Robin though. They may just have to try on tights and see.

Gideon Meyerowitz-Katz and Zachary Nicholson have unfortunately been left without their evil counterparts. Gid sits in one of the two broken-beer-bottle thrones of Social Coordinator and Zach is the male counterpart of the Interfaculty Sport creepy twins. And really, the empty throne next to Gid just makes him look a little depressed, and Zach isn’t as creepy lurking in the shadows all by himself.

Jarrod Kennedy however seems to be enjoying his position as First Year Officer. The maniacal laughter gets pretty annoying at night, though what is more concerning is the maniacal snoring when he falls asleep. He should go to a sleep deprivation clinic. And our Science Outreach Officer for the year, Jonathan (he doesn’t have a last name, which I find slightly menacing) has already been to a photographer for a few shots of himself crushing a globe in his hands. They’ll look good on his MySpace page, that’s for sure.

We’re currently still looking for a few positions on the executive though, and would greatly appreciate some volunteers. It’s worth a shot to anybody interested. Literally, executive members get injections for immunity to the gases that feature heavily in world domination plans XKCD-722 through SMBC-486. The positions that are open are for a second Social Coordinator, a female Interfaculty Sporting Officer, a Sponsorship Officer because we do need money to take over the world, and an IT Officer. Email us at secretary.scisoc@gmail.com if you’re interested in a position. God speed to you in the impending doom.