Too many bees? Or not enough bees?

Too many bees? Or not enough bees?
Sam Jenkins investigates.

Can you have too many bees? Some say yes. Some are wrong! They’re simply not covered in enough bees yet. As a man who’s been covered in bees for nearly several minutes, I can quite easily say that no man, woman, or bee has, or is enough bees. But can it be? Or how could it be if it can be? If ‘you’ and ‘I’ are ‘we’, then surely a ‘bee’ is ‘bee’, but could ‘we’ be ‘bee’? This investigative reporter looked no further than his own memory to answer these very questions (bees).

The great Shakespeare himself wrote “two bee, or not two bee?” And we all remember the answer was two bees, if not more than two bees, and quite possibly a murder. But not every acquisition of bees needs to involve regicide. I myself killed only two dukes and a bee farmer to procure my luscious beard of bees, in addition to my jacket of bees, my pair of glasses of bees, my deck of bees, my car of bees and my pool, made of, and filled with bees. Some might point out that I’m simply trying to swim in a swarm of bees. They are right. But are they covered in harmful stings? No. And that is the difference between us. Those who oppose the idea of having more than zero bees in an area, that is more that not far away from them, simply don’t want to be painfully stung. And in a day and age where we have televisions, the printing press and the future, it is difficult to understand how they don’t see the great amount of innovations that bees have brought us.

Could it be, indubitably, that we see on key, a fallacy, o’ whe’er bees should be, visa-bee, belessed please, be the nee-ds of our minstrbees? Because overbeering beelations beautifully beeseige bee beasting? Beelief bee, it’s true. Beethoven.

In closing, be safe, be sharp, be sharps, sharp bees, harp bees, harpies, bees please, on your bees, the bees are collapsing, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

<Inception Sound>

Time Travel for Dummies

TIME TRAVEL for Dummies

Particle physicists at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN have found subatomic neutrino particles to travel faster than the speed of light, disproving over a hundred years of modern physics.

So now that time travel has practically been invented you need to start building your own vehicle of choice to cruise through time and space. Here are some popular examples:

Now that you’re ready for your first trip, here are some of the dangers of which you need to be careful.

Paradoxes:

“If you go back in time,” stated Dr. Steven Hawkins at a press conference held in the Luau Room of the Particle Physics Research Institute and Brothel “you may affect causality in numerous ways; say by killing your parents before they screw you into existence, or rolling your ATV over the sherwlike creatures which gave rise to all modern-day mammals.”

You get the idea. Don’t step on any bugs, don’t stop your parents getting together and don’t try to rectify the reason for building your time machine.

Diseases:

The past is full of pestilence, disease and infections which will probably kill you unless you are a timelord (who is apparently immune to everything).  “It wouldn’t be a pretty death either,” stated Hawkins. “Even the 19th and early 20th Centuries aren’t safe. We advise not venturing back more than a couple of decades if time travel is ever invented. Which it won’t be, because it’s not possible.”

Say you wanted to go back in time to 25 AD and stop the Crucifixion (as you do…).  You would probably die of amoebic dysentery within two days, and be incapacitated before you could prevent the salvation of mankind. Bummer.

“If you have to go back, say to prevent Buddhism or something,” Hawkins said, “it would be best to wear a containment suit that you burn as soon as you return to the present. Of course, you won’t ever do that, because time travel isn’t possible.” The future will probably be safer but unproductive since you will likely be imprisoned and quarantined before you cause a pandemic among the human-sheep hybrids.

Hear that guys? You can safely play around with about 40 years of time. Steven Hawkins approved. But if you do have to go back further, say to stop something as dangerous as Buddhism, all you need is a fully enclosed timesuit. I recommend one that looks like Matt Smith.