Too many bees? Or not enough bees?

Too many bees? Or not enough bees?
Sam Jenkins investigates.

Can you have too many bees? Some say yes. Some are wrong! They’re simply not covered in enough bees yet. As a man who’s been covered in bees for nearly several minutes, I can quite easily say that no man, woman, or bee has, or is enough bees. But can it be? Or how could it be if it can be? If ‘you’ and ‘I’ are ‘we’, then surely a ‘bee’ is ‘bee’, but could ‘we’ be ‘bee’? This investigative reporter looked no further than his own memory to answer these very questions (bees).

The great Shakespeare himself wrote “two bee, or not two bee?” And we all remember the answer was two bees, if not more than two bees, and quite possibly a murder. But not every acquisition of bees needs to involve regicide. I myself killed only two dukes and a bee farmer to procure my luscious beard of bees, in addition to my jacket of bees, my pair of glasses of bees, my deck of bees, my car of bees and my pool, made of, and filled with bees. Some might point out that I’m simply trying to swim in a swarm of bees. They are right. But are they covered in harmful stings? No. And that is the difference between us. Those who oppose the idea of having more than zero bees in an area, that is more that not far away from them, simply don’t want to be painfully stung. And in a day and age where we have televisions, the printing press and the future, it is difficult to understand how they don’t see the great amount of innovations that bees have brought us.

Could it be, indubitably, that we see on key, a fallacy, o’ whe’er bees should be, visa-bee, belessed please, be the nee-ds of our minstrbees? Because overbeering beelations beautifully beeseige bee beasting? Beelief bee, it’s true. Beethoven.

In closing, be safe, be sharp, be sharps, sharp bees, harp bees, harpies, bees please, on your bees, the bees are collapsing, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

<Inception Sound>

Aqua Regia Issue 1

Well, the time of year has come and gone for the old regime of Scisoc to be hewn down to make room for the newest one. And guess what readers, the changeover has taken place. We’re very grateful not many people were there to see the horrid, gory scene as last year’s executive was murdered in their prime to make way for others. Because really last year’s top minds were taking far too long to take over the world.

Yes that’s right. The head honchos are being bold as brass about their future plans this time round. Not only do they intend to run the society well, they have an honesty policy so crystal clear you can even admire the depths of the cellars, perusing their magic scrolls of doom-inspiring spells, ancient tomes of devious war machines, and their Hello Kitty memorabilia. Of course, that doesn’t mean they won’t tear you limb from limb once the perusing is over.

So let’s go ahead and meet the team. This year’s President of the Science Society is Hari Bhrugubanda, a short fellow willing to cut people off at the knees if they turn out to be bigger than he is. He’s got a good forehand too, so don’t doubt he can do it. His right hand man is James Colley, the new VP, whose razor sharp beard can’t be shaved by any regular means. Only lasers. Ironically, those feature heavily in his plans. Shhhh, don’t tell him I know that.

Your Secretary for this year will be one Isaac Carney. He’s the stealth expert, so much so I haven’t seen him around yet, which isn’t exactly the best thing for a secretary who has to answer phones all day. What? Ninjas have jobs too you know. To temper the balance within the organisation they’ve positioned Tony Cai as this year’s Treasurer. For those of you who don’t know, Tony’s peg leg and parrot make him the perfect man to guard the wooden chests in HQ’s basement. Yep, the one full of Hello Kitty stuff. Don’t stray in the wrong direction when browsing or you’ll get a bellyful of blade.

The dynamic duo has also decided to step up and profess their evil plans this year. Samuel Jenkins and Adam Chalmers are our new Publicity Officers and their PDA (that’s Public Displays of Anarchy, BTW) will take this team to a whole new level of mischief making. Don’t ask me which of them is Batman and which is Robin though. They may just have to try on tights and see.

Gideon Meyerowitz-Katz and Zachary Nicholson have unfortunately been left without their evil counterparts. Gid sits in one of the two broken-beer-bottle thrones of Social Coordinator and Zach is the male counterpart of the Interfaculty Sport creepy twins. And really, the empty throne next to Gid just makes him look a little depressed, and Zach isn’t as creepy lurking in the shadows all by himself.

Jarrod Kennedy however seems to be enjoying his position as First Year Officer. The maniacal laughter gets pretty annoying at night, though what is more concerning is the maniacal snoring when he falls asleep. He should go to a sleep deprivation clinic. And our Science Outreach Officer for the year, Jonathan (he doesn’t have a last name, which I find slightly menacing) has already been to a photographer for a few shots of himself crushing a globe in his hands. They’ll look good on his MySpace page, that’s for sure.

We’re currently still looking for a few positions on the executive though, and would greatly appreciate some volunteers. It’s worth a shot to anybody interested. Literally, executive members get injections for immunity to the gases that feature heavily in world domination plans XKCD-722 through SMBC-486. The positions that are open are for a second Social Coordinator, a female Interfaculty Sporting Officer, a Sponsorship Officer because we do need money to take over the world, and an IT Officer. Email us at secretary.scisoc@gmail.com if you’re interested in a position. God speed to you in the impending doom.